Maslow

There is a psychological theory known as Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. It is a 5-tiered pyramid that describes that certain basic needs must be met before a person can become self-actualized.

At the base of the pyramid are physiological needs - food, shelter, clothing, etc. The next stage is safety - of self, of property, of resources. Above that is love and belonging - friendships and family. Next comes esteem, topped off by self-actualization.
I believe that I am stuck at the esteem tier. I have little self-esteem and little confidence. I respect others, but I'm not sure if others respect me. I'm not sure there is much of anything to respect.

What's my proof? I feel that every one of my actions is currently self-centered. I feel like I cannot outwardly help and appreciate things (people, actions, deeds, etc) around me. I have a conversation with someone...if I get bored, I start to sense this, lose focus, get quieter, and hope for a way to walk away. When I teach, I think about what basic tasks I need to do (grade, take attendance, sit, stand, organize) rather than what to teach and how to teach it best. This is my main reason that I should not be teaching. How can I outwardly focus on others (a major component of self-actualization) when I cannot stop focusing on myself?

My sister has mentioned that I can be overly sensitive. I do not doubt this one minute. Being so self-focused, anything that disrupts the little control I have on my current mental and physiological status sends me into minor hysterics. I get very beat down when something goes wrong, even something minor. I expect the worst. Or rather, I expect the best, and when it doesn't appear, then I have failed again.

I tend to live my life in the moment. What will satisfy my needs at this given minute or hour or day. When I get home, I don't want to grade assignments; I don't want to plan for the next week; I want to surf the internet, check my e-mail 20 times at night, watch tv, pet the kitties, eat, and go to bed. Teaching is not a job that caters to that after-work lifestyle. Yet another failure, as I see it.

Yet, I feel so comfortable at this self-loathing lack-of-esteem tier. It's not that people have discouraged me...I've had only the best support from friends and family. It's my mental state. It's been this way for a long time. I have had many successes, but yet I still battle with this depression. It's an excuse for not getting things done. It's an excuse to be lazy. To break out of my downspells can be difficult. I'd rather just ride them out until the brain's seratonin kicks back in. It's difficult and uncomfortable to be positive about myself. It's difficult and uncomfortable. I feel like if I do, then I'm being over-the-top cheesy and fake. It's uncomfortable. And knowing this makes me feel like a failure again.