goodbye blogger.



so, i had the strangest experience driving to iowa this weekend. i had a sudden rush of endophines...and it was terrific! and i think my new goal is to feel that again. and i have a long term goal...i think i want to run in a marathon, 5-10 years from now (hey, not pushing myself...)

anyone up for helping?



just when i thought it would get better, i get pulled under again.

its not fair its not fair its not fair.

this world is cruel.

i would rather drown at this point, and not wake up again. to stop the breathing. to kill the pain. the kill the numbness.





Okay, so I admit to being to attracted to RP...another one of my consuming imaginary romances I've had during my life (they do fade...I still am attracted to EMc, but the obsession is gone. So, the obsession will fade eventually. Actually, I might pull out of it sooner than later.

I watched an interview with RP (in my endless searches of his face...grrr) by E!. It changed my perspective. The book is a fairy tale (*smacks head*) and I got suckered into it, as it easily tugs at the heart and emotions of any non-feminist young woman. In fact, he explains it as the author thinks of herself as Bella and sees Edward as her fantasy man (she gives a little too much extra attention to his description). So, yeah, a modern fairy tale. That gets a bit repetitive. A lot repetitive.

Either way, I was watching the video and I realized he was very grounded. And that's something I admire. Something I can look up to and strive to achieve. Sometimes, though, my head is such a helium balloon...sigh.


Obsession Subsided...mostly...

well, wedding's over with...that means, aside from planning for school and procrastinating on my online class work, there is a void in my obsessing. no more wedding planning. no more extensive gift registry checking.

dear lord, who is that god-like human on the cover of Entertainment Weekly? it's robert pattinson. cool. he's hot. oh, neat, he played cedric diggory in the HP movies. wow, he's hot. HOT!

what's that? new movie called twilight...he's a vampire. neat. *more lusting of RP after watching the trailers....drool.* ok, i give in, let's read the book. buy book saturday night. read two chapters. go to bed. wake up sunday and read the rest of the book, nonstop (okay, aside from that trip to target). i want to marry edward. as long as it's RP edward. cannot stop looking up his lustful, deep eyes on google images. *sweat*

distracted with real life. why can't fantasies be real? real life sucks. (well, i'm still at odds about the human race, that hasn't subsided). depression deepens. just want my b back with me in wi.

check out second book, new moon, from school library (what? have all the girls read it already???). spend only two days reading it (even during prep period and lunch). oh come on! will everyone stop loathing on themselves already? "it's my fault sorry." "no it's my fault." on and on and on. and why has bella turned into such a wuss suddenly? if she had cajones in the first book, she lost them in the second.

i finally resurface. omg - okay, i still enjoy book 1, a nice romance book that makes my heart flutter and certain parts tingle...in a safe, non-lustful way....a giddy way. but i'm hesitant to read books 3 and 4. especially 4 - lots of bad reviews. i will read them, but i think my obsession over the books is falling quickly. which is good.

but RP...mmmmmmmmmmmmm...too bad he missed his chance. (what? it's only an 8 year difference! n can justify that age doesn't always matter when dating. although, when he had his chance, he was 13. EWWWW!)






Guest list is small. We have more people not coming than will actually be there. This makes me sad. We have less than 100 people on the list. I was hoping for about 150.

Yeah, I know it will cost less...but will it be as fun?



so b. is moving to iowa after the honeymoon to start a new job. i'm staying in oak creek. it's too soon of a move for me, plus there's no job i'll be going to. rent just doubled for me (it's really not worth paying for a move and breaking a lease).


The big picture

Something else that really bogs me down is that I too often see the big picture. But I see it with negative glasses, which snowball to every catastrophe.

The Earth is overpopulated. There's no indication that numbers are decreasing. Unless there's a mass die-off, there will be no green space left. I don't think most people realize what a snowball effect something small they do has down the line. If certain bugs die off, then certain plants die off, maybe even crops. Then other animals die off. OK, not a certified expert in ecology, but that's what it comes down to. We're shutting down our ecosystems. We're dooming ourselves. But get the majority of people to believe that? Think again. Well, there's that new doomsday vault in ... Iceland? Greenland? Norway? ... somewhere North and cold. And stable. So probably not Iceland.

I wouldn't mind a virus that wiped out a lot of people. Of course I don't want to be one of them, but I don't think I would have a choice. If it's not a new disease, then will warfare doom us? Will or can be peace ever be achieved? People are greedy, resources are limited. I am doubtful.

Humans are doomed. Face fact. Should we try to limit our resource use? Or should we just splurge until the earth is a big brown stinky mess?